1113. yesterday evening was one of the few times in my life i felt so overwhelmed by sadness, i broke down.

i met my folks after work to have a meal before we headed home. over dinner, we spoke about them growing older, and my responsibilities growing larger as well.

and then my mother revealed a untold secret to me, something which they recently found out while buying new spectacles at their optician with my sister:

my sister's lazy eye is losing its eyesight.

suddenly, on top of the financial pressure ive been put under, i felt this undeniable mixed up sense of anxiety, guilt, disappointment and sadness.

how am i going to tackle my family's living expenses? how am i going to handle the amount needed for any specialist treatment my sister needs? or operations she has to go through?

more importantly, why didnt i find out earlier? what kind of a brother am i?

my cheeks and neck felt hot with self-anger and unhappiness. the tears just came tumbling down like someone knocked over a cup full of water.

i cried in the middle of dinner.

however much i detest my sibling of her character and attitude all seemed to just evaporated on the spot. it could all be due to her fast approaching disability. before she totally loses her sight in her lazy eye, i told myself that i have to do something now before it's too late. i have to. i must.

bring her to see a specialist, get an operation if she has to, wear special glasses if need be... whatever it takes.

because i am her brother.

her only brother.

0141. my eyes cant process magenta like my digestive tracts cant do milk.

life will never be the same again without diary products in my diet.

how odd that i have 2 permanent disabilities now and yet none of them are affecting me outwardly like how the word "handicap" should describe.

perhaps... i should count my blessings.

0157. watching the paralympic games made me feel unworthy of the functional body i have and insignificant when im amongst the hundreds of thousands of others who are more same with each other than different. we're all abled people but we discarded our dreams and are nailed to our jobs.

even a person with disabilities can do his or her country proud. what have i amounted to in my 25 years? what have i done so far?

nothing mentionable.

im sad to be alive!

0232. there is no greater torment than that of a broken sanity.

for the one that picks your brains and chew holes in your mind will slowly achromatise all the vivid realities you'd once knew as your life.

and then you'll become alive yet not alive.

the tragedy doesnt end here. like a the waterfall, insanity cascades to other places, other people; like a snowball causing an avalanche upon all the surrounding people... everyone becomes mere collateral.

truly, no greater torture exist than to lose pellucid cognitive abilities. the irreversible end of self. the end.

1831. "a what?!"

"you heard me! you dont think im good? or at least at a certain comparable standard?"

"i didnt say your works suck."

"then what's wrong?"

"it's just weird you know."

"how so? how so? how so??"

"hello? whoever has heard of a colourblind designer before? it's like you're mute and you're trying to be a rapper or something..."

"well, it's not like im TOTALLY blind!"

"... but dont worry, im sure good things will come out from your pair of screwed up eyes."

"yea, look forward to the nice monochromatic piece i'll design for your obituary! foc!"

"asshole!"

1851. the indian doctor at the medical centre shifted the little black book and adjusted it on the table so it sat comfortably in front of me. then he flipped to the first of the many familiar pages filled with randomly coloured spots.

im pretty sure they have a standard answer script for this book and i knew i should have memorised the correct digits displayed in the dizzying array of mutant polka dots. but i didnt, because i knew it wont do me any good to hide my handicap.

as he went through the pages, with me shaking my head and giving negative responses like "it's a circle filled with mambo jumbo dots", he remained calm. his looks of disbelief only began when we hit the pages where i had to trace paths within the coloured spots.

apparently i thought the paths went the way i saw them. but after i confidently traced them out, he gave me a raised brow, closed the book and sighed in defeat.

then he said, "never mind, you're indeed colourblind."