1113. yesterday evening was one of the few times in my life i felt so overwhelmed by sadness, i broke down.

i met my folks after work to have a meal before we headed home. over dinner, we spoke about them growing older, and my responsibilities growing larger as well.

and then my mother revealed a untold secret to me, something which they recently found out while buying new spectacles at their optician with my sister:

my sister's lazy eye is losing its eyesight.

suddenly, on top of the financial pressure ive been put under, i felt this undeniable mixed up sense of anxiety, guilt, disappointment and sadness.

how am i going to tackle my family's living expenses? how am i going to handle the amount needed for any specialist treatment my sister needs? or operations she has to go through?

more importantly, why didnt i find out earlier? what kind of a brother am i?

my cheeks and neck felt hot with self-anger and unhappiness. the tears just came tumbling down like someone knocked over a cup full of water.

i cried in the middle of dinner.

however much i detest my sibling of her character and attitude all seemed to just evaporated on the spot. it could all be due to her fast approaching disability. before she totally loses her sight in her lazy eye, i told myself that i have to do something now before it's too late. i have to. i must.

bring her to see a specialist, get an operation if she has to, wear special glasses if need be... whatever it takes.

because i am her brother.

her only brother.

0203. the best thing on earth is spending a quiet, rainy afternoon with the love of your life, sipping hot drinks and cuddling as the cold, gloomy world out there swirls in a pile of financial turmoil, threats of imminent disease and violence, and (a closer example to us here) political imbalance.

perceived safety is an imaginable sphere you draw around yourself; how safe will determine how thick this sphere is drawn. if you allow this enclosure to thin or leak, you damage yourself psychologically with anguish and anxiety.

dont worry and be happy! live everyday and cherish each moment with your loved ones. let them know that they are part of this safety sphere and make them feel the same sense of security.

that way, even if a catastrophe ends the world... you know you will always be in the arms of your loved ones and vice versa.

0235. father day's had slipped by faster than i thought. i had a simple dinner with my folks; we ate out, to commemorate something we keep silent in the family - the appreciation for my dad.

over the years, the credit of bringing up my sister and i are his to keep. he worked hard and put the bread on the table, but there was never once when he whined about it. he kept clean from vices and loves his wife and his children unconditionally.

even so, we do not thank or praise him outright because my folks are conventional and conservative asian parents who do not show their children their love blatantly. so my sister and i do the same but in one way or another, we find ways to display our gratitude.

i respect my dad for being a man of virtue, a symbol of perseverance to me, and ultimately, a father figure whom i can never come close to.

happy belated father's day, pa.

1803. my weekend was well spent...

• shopping for steamboat ingredients with c
• tucking into the steamboat at c's with a group of people (who are really c's friends, who arent really my friends but are more than just acquaintances)
  
• losing money while gambling (as usual) with them
• smashing up charcoal chunks then setting up the fire for a poolside bbq
• eating at the poolside bbq to celebrate k's 26th with a surprise party (i didnt get to push him into the pool cos i was holding the cake)
• killing zombies after the bday bbq but getting repeatedly killed by them back during the finale until i gave up trying
  
• going over to sky's to bunk over for 2 days in a row
• helping hao fix k's network issue with his desktop (which he finally succeeded in doing so much to k's relief)
• taking a cool evening walk with k to a nearby petrol kiosk while talking about friendship and stuff
• arguing with my naggy mother about having friends over without first asking her (i really hate it that she treats me like im 12)
• and last but not least, having planned something to look forward to next weekend with c

the days are packed, right?

0113. my mother's hands rocked the cradle, changed the diapers, cooked the meals, cleaned the dishes, washed the laundry, fed the mouths, spanked the buttocks, wrote the consent forms, signed the report books, ironed the shirts, mopped the floor, swept the dust, wiped the tables, carried the groceries, scrubbed the walls...

i dawned upon me all the things that the hands of my mother had done so far when the finger print identification gantry failed to allow her passage through the customs the other day.

her prints were all roughened and scratched out permanently because she raised me up.

and for that, i cannot be anymore grateful.

0426. never a day have i lived without reminding myself that im but a poor painter's son.

i still live it out, though not as full as some people might consider so, at the best of my capabilities and enjoyment.

thank you for everything dad.

0241. i pity my parents for having children like may and i. and it makes me wonder if they secretly weep on their pillows at night, knowing that the both of us didnt turn out to be what they had expected us to be...

that both of us are lightyears away from being children they can be proud of.

so much that i tell myself: i can never raise a kid because i didnt grew up properly myself.

i wont blame my dad or my mom for their parenting. who am i to judge? from any point of argument, they were excellent parents compared to some of my friends'. they loved may and i, even though they may not appear to show it explicitly, and most important, they dedicated the prime of their lives (and in fact, the REST of their lives up till this moment) to the both of us.

hence, a shelthered life my sister and i lived. a shelthered life away from the storms, away from the sunburns. i can only find the fault on myself, not having enough courage to break off from my parent's bond and explore this world when i was at the age of expanding my visage of the real world.

at the very least, the army taught me certain things i couldnt learn from neither my parents nor school. but may? not so fortunate for her.

all her 22 years, she'd only been a tadpole in a well which she thinks is her universe. i dunno where i should even start all this self pitying. maybe i should begin with her!

anyway... i was rather disappointed when close friends turned judgemental and proclaimed that i will refrain from thoughts of killing myself because im now attached again; this time to a girl who is wonderful as hot chocolate on a rainy day. it just goes to show, beneath this happy go lucky mask that i wear everyday, there's still no one who understands who i really am inside... and how dim the light of hope has gradually become over the years as the responsibilities pile up on me. solely me because my sister is almost as good as gone.

yet i keep falling short of meeting the simplest of expectations: to be kind to my parents.

i have been anything but kind to them. and i wished i had the strength to apologise about having a son like me. perhaps i will do so when i finally summon enough to end my own miserable life.

to think that those whom i call friends assumed my reason to die is due to a lack of love... haiz.

0228. everyday, the notion of permanently moving out and on burns deeper into my soul.

a lazy leech of a sibling, a soft spoken father and an indescribably unreasonable woman for a mother at home. an infinite pile of napalm lies at work to fire fight, but the aid is as minimal as the appreciation.

it's not that i never tried at both. i tried but my efforts are never sufficient. hence, i do not wish to partake anymore in these matters. leave me out and leave me alone. please.

0207. i often empathised with the more unfortunately friends of mine and wondered how it feels to be estranged from one's own parents. when a hairline crack in the kinship finally ripped itself apart into a chasm, i got slight a taste of that bitterness.

im angry. i wouldnt be if i wasnt accused of something i havent had done. im disappointed that my parents think i place them as lower priorities, especially my domineering mother who heads the household, and it often causes a lot of friction when i am assumed to not care at all.

when i do care, my efforts get blindsided, bashed, maimed and mauled then thrown out of the window.

ive reached a conclusion; my life is a dilemma. i can either continue to stay in this house and forever remain the son who never grew up or leave to live alone outside and become the son who never returned.

both ways, i lose those whom ive cared for before, those who never really did even feel it the slightest, those whose love for me totally overwhelmed my reciprocated affection.

yea, between the devil and the deep blue sea.