1817. alas, we are but slaves to our very own status quo.

the shackles of circumstances and responsibilities will keep us binded from going on the path of achieving our dreams.

unless, of course, your day job is your dream.

until then, good luck and have fun.

the rest of the thorny road awaits.

0402. life is never complicated, really. it's simply about one's perspectives.

well, at least on hindsight.

0007. wow. first day after my new job that ive finally got some free, waking time to write an entry here.

past week was a hectic rush for i-frankly-dont-know-what; new job, new tasks, new environment to adapt, new people to figure out, new clients, new vendors, new shit, new everything!

and my IPT has to coincide with my first week at work. oh boy, what fun.

0117. sigh, closure is elusive.

in life, most of the time you can have the cake but you just cant eat it.

so near yet so god damned far.

2350. you cant control when buses arrive. you cant control when the cinema operators would stop playing advertisements and trailers and just get on with the film proper. you cant control the weather.

so you wait for buses to arrive. you wait for films to start. and you wait for the skies to stop raining so you can go out and fly some kites.

at the end of the road, you wait for the doctor's call to his/her room, an emotionless bright red led display of some digits, then you stay in a hospital because some disease has finally gotten its way with you, and henceforth begins your final hospital stay.

perhaps one day, enough patience will produce a cure. you may leave the hospital and lead your life again. but then again, at 80 years of age, what else do you have left for you?

in life, there is nothing for us to control. you think you are in control, but mostly all those little things that wont affect the ending to this story called "life" delude you; you could learn how to drive a car to avoid waiting for the bus, you could buy a dvd to avoid waiting for the films to open at the theatres, and you could stay indoors and read a book instead of wanting to fly a kite in the rain.

control? you can call it whatever you want. in the end, try controlling the final destined day of your death. you simply cant. the truth is we're all just waiting for our turns to meet our maker.

i wont doubt it.

and so, we all wait.

0412. today, while traveling on the bus home, i stared at my shoes. although i'd brushed it a couple of times, it still looked ragged and worn out.

i have lost my shine.

but unlike my shoes, it's not the kind of shine that will return after brushing. it's the kind that gets washed down the toilet bowl and will never be yours once you've lost it.

no matter how hard or how long you try to brush it again.

in this big process called self discovery, i have lost tonnes of things. i guess it's now finally time to admit that i have lost the sparkle.

1624. who cares about h1n1 when there's l4d2? (yes, valve just announced the sequel to the widely popular zombie apocalypse themed game today!)

i can be so apathetic at times, i ignore the fact that:

1) we are still facing a dengue mosquito problem
the dengue prevention ad campaigns rages on; whole buses, train ads, huge warning posters and that huge 2m long mosquito model mounted on the top of a covered walkway at khatib that's scaring little kids shitless.

2) the 5th case of the swine influenza hit our shores
the disease has yet to be fully contained here as passengers on the flight of the first case, a 22 yr old girl who returned from the states, have not been fully rounded up. frankly, no one will surrender themselves for quarantine at the loyang aloha resorts if you're not feeling the symptoms. you wouldn't, i wouldn't. human nature la.

3) temasek holdings spent like a gazillion bucks to buy 13.76% of olam
tonnes of money for a "emerging global champion". like 400+ million. what a way to boost the economy, champs.

4) the f1 races are gonna be held here again late 2009 and i shall continue to not give a flying fuck
not a fan of loud machine made noises and pollution. not a fan of speeding vehicles. not a fan of hot asphalt. not a fan of unhandsome f1 drivers. not a fan of no lady drivers... most major turn off. and definitely not a fan of road blockages around the city area.

and a lot of other things im not really gonna give a damn about; our aging population, our degenerating youths, our employment rates, interest rates, etc etc...

life goes on. really. with or without all the bad news in the papers everyday.

0051. sometimes i wonder if my life is heading in the right direction.

i dont seem to be able to quit my job.

i dont seem to be getting closer to my dreams.

i dont seem to be growing my savings account.

i dont seem to be getting fitter.

i dont seem to be solving any of my long term problems.

i dont seem to be as good a boyfriend / brother / son as i think i am.

i dont seem to be shutting up as well so im sorry if i had wasted your time reading self mope.

0245. ok. i think, not all female bloggers go for the miss xx appeal. this particular lady blogger here does a good staple of average 4 posts a day; full of calvin and hobbes, fun technology stuff, advertising nip picks, internet hoohas, office gossips (she's like somewhat a celebrity blogger) and still be able to snap a pretty self portrait with her camera.

i find her posts rather warm, fuzzy and tough girl wannabe in a grown up ad industry. she's a copywriter by the way, and that's kinda awesome. like her shirt says in one of her pictures, she's sexually educated, i think? hell yea.

and as if her content wasnt bombastic enough, she HAS to be pretty. god damn it.

im sure if i looked like daniel wu, people would worship me even if i repeated bloody straits times headlines everyday on my fucking blog.

k fine, i was being jealous and trying to be sarcastic. yea, laugh at the ugly retarded short guy, you mean people.

2010. i think being an attractive female gives you an unscrupulous advantage when you're a blogger. your pictures would be prettier, you get all sorts of nice attention, and your readership would just shoot up regardless of textual content... what matters is that the male readers would be flocking over just to catch a glimpse of you in the photos.

textual content really doesnt matter, does it?

me. blogging. epic fail. haha.

0113. a lot of people keep telling me things like:

"hey! dont give up on your dreams."

"continue to do what you like, dont let anything stop you."

"you can shoot during the weekends if you do not have the time during weekdays."

thank you all for your encouragement, but frankly, no thanks. shooting a short film is something i cannot achieve alone. since actions truly speak louder than words, instead of just opening your mouths to sprout something you halfheartedly mean to, why dont you actually chip in and help me make things happen?

i dont want to sound like im putting the blame on the people around me... no one likes to see me give up on my passion of filmmaking but NO ONE WANTS TO HELP.

who is willing to give me his/her weekend time to sit down together to think, conceptualise, plan, schedule, draft budgets and so on? who is willing to apply for leave so that he/she can go on the actual shoot with me? who is willing to become part of my team, someone who shares the same passion and goals... without getting paid?

may i ask: who?

no one i know is willing to do any of the above. no one. not even my closest of friends or family; the people whom i treat as my kin, the people whom i love. no one.

i know what some of you think: i SHOULD have went to a film or art school, then i would have known a lot more likeminded people there... but reality remains a reality. if i went to a film school, will you pay my school fees?

so in the end, it's all about money. i dont have it. so i can't shoot anything. so i'll bring my passion of filmmaking to the grave.

tragic? to me, yes. but do you give a fuck?

no one gives a fuck. life goes on after i give up filmmaking. i still have to put the bread on the table. i still have to watch my health and fitness. i still have a long journey to walk with my darling miss octopus. i still have to take care of my parents as they age. i still have many many unaccomplished things in life.

other than making short films that is.

everyone else is about the same as me. who will give a fuck about shooting unprofitable short films with me?!

i guess... people around me constantly give me these overused words of encouragement for a reason. giving up on one's dream is a really really sad thing. who would want someone they know to be a source of sadness, right?

haiz...

0254. life was meant to be simple. but we arrived and complicated it for ourselves.

we started out as the basic hunters and gatherers. then we herded our prey together and moved from place to place to seek pasture and water. then we made farms, domesticated the animals and cattle. then we used our cattle to plough fields for agriculture. then we sang and danced during the harvests. then we built shelters for our grain and even more shelters for ourselves. then we made cities. then we diversified ourselves into farmers, builders, musicians, inventors, astrologists, priests, doctors, teachers, etc etc. then our cities became civilised. then we grew hungry for more. then we fought wars, killed others, plundered their land and took their possessions.

and we are still stuck at the last two. we never moved forward.

humans are but a greedy and selfish bunch. apparently, being "contented" never manifested any great conqueror or any ceo of a corporate giant. humans always think of themselves, ignoring the fact that there is an entire universe outside, other than their puny existence.

in someway, im about to be left to fend for myself in this universe. why? cos i have been forsaken by a hunger so deep that the word "chasm" doesnt even begin to describe it; all because this hunger of the humans around me that never fails to salivate and snap at every chance for a fat, juicy meal.

im not even close to being human. im just a mere pawn in this power struggle.

2021. the flashing neon lights from the pub carelessly illuminated the whole section of shophouses in quick, flickering spasms as i exhaled the toxic smoke out of my lungs. the smog twirled and spun and blurred the buildings across the street ever so slightly.

what was i doing with my life? i looked at the burning stick of death and almost laughed at the idea that i was living on borrowed time. where did i get so much courage to even begin to throw my life away, bit by bit everyday, until my organs all rot off and die?

seriously, what was i doing with my life? everyone upstairs was gone from work. well, almost everyone, except me. though it really didnt matter if i were putting my all in my work or otherwise. nothing would change. im like the apple on the apple tree that wont make the tree less pretty if i fell to the ground.

at the age of 26, some people have achieved great things, driven posh cars, shot life changing films, saved many human/animal lives, made their first million or two, etc etc. as i took another puff, it became apparent that i wasnt one of these folks. not even close at all.

so even if i fell from the tree, im never gonna be the apple that hit newton on the head.

0119. it was the first time i ever drew something on a surface other than paper. the result wasnt amazing, but it amazed me pretty much. i hope the appreciation of effort and talent much surpasses the transience of the cupid on the glass panel. it made me think about being empowered to do something for the people around me, that they can change me and i can change them too.

lately, ive been giving much thought to how some events that happened in my life could mold me differently if i had tackled them by viewing the situations from new perspectives; most of which was what i should have done to elevate the pain of others who chose me over everyone else to bear their burden.

but i guess they didnt choose me. i was just there for them and all i ever needed to do was to lend them my ears and my open heart.

0414. i could write something that inspires or something that motivates, but in the end, who am i really kidding?

i am a sadist because i prefer to watch someone else suffer than to suffer myself.

bah.

0002. 0002... possibly the number of times ive seriously thought of getting a tattoo. one with someone's name on my wrist and the other time with a gigantic kraken over my shoulder.

i believe that life is like getting a tattoo... you'll only get to see the beauty of it when you get it over and done with it.

gradually, i gave up the idea of putting a piece of art on my own skin. life is a journey that is tough enough; why make it more arduous than it already is?

0358. it's not important what you lose, but how you accept the loss.

im just pretty disappointed with my fellow countrymen due to their "finder's keepers" mentality. the next time when i pick up an unattended object that appears to be of some value, it will either become mine or become part of the trash in the bin.

moral of the story: no more mister nice guy.

0131. november arrives; the chilly winds and the cold drizzles, the greyish gloomy weather, the dampened vibe of people on the streets, the volatile and tumbling economies...

but nothing beats the sight of resplendent christmas trees popping up like mushrooms after a shower to lighten up the downward spiralling moods.

i know it's still the penultimate month of the year, but nevertheless, merry-capitalistconsumerismexploitation-christmas in advance everyone. because when you start to hear the jingles and the carols, it's already far too late.

0304. if life were like taking a ride on the different horses round the carousel, i'll be the one on the horse that was fixed upside down by a terrible misjudgement of whoever build that damn carousel in the first place.

my horse is like freaking topsy turvy. imagine me saddling on the stomach of a horse that has reeled over with 4 (or 5, if you know what i mean) of its once mighty legs pointing to the sky. and not to mention... prolly even deader than a dead man lying dead in a coffin and waiting to be buried.

i feel that im almost always at the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong people doing the wrong things; be it school or work, in short - living the wrong life!

to ken: i know, i know. i'll be impartial. there are people who are worse off, damn true. some of them have their horses legless, eyeless, gay, eaten or whatever. yours is... headless. no direction no aim no goal no whatsoever. or maybe canned horse would be more appropriate, much alike your canned tuna - you'll never get to where you wanna go if you dont open it up.

to lez: NOPE, nothing to do with necrophilia and/or bestiality (from all the riding and the dead horse's legs) if that's what you have in that endless abyss of innuendos and dirty jokes you call your mind. the fissures in your brains are prolly glued together by bodily juices produced during procreation. means your brain is always having an intercourse with whatever thoughts its conjuring in it. haha. er, gross. ANYWAY, let's fucking meet up already, slut!

to whoever is reading (whose names i did not mention so as to keep your identity confidential because you might be underaged and there could be criminals like sex offenders or stalkers preying on innocent, naive young people on the internet like you... yea right, you keep on dreaming you're THAT young! the most dangerous being here is prolly none other than lez anyway, no big deal yea? haha): the week seems to drone on and on. and it's only tuesday, dammit. haiz. i was joking. i dont really give a shit about your protection. it's just that i dont know who else is reading. mom? you reading this? no?

parting shot... jolly well do what your instincts tell you. use your reflexes and leap out of the way when you sense trouble coming right straight at'cha. like me. i used MY reflexes. time for you to use YOURS!

yup kinda, im feeling random here. i admitted it, happy now?

g'nite everyone.