blankwithoutyou

0208. i cant leave. and im upset.

i handed in my letter once and they made promises that things will change. somethings did change, but 90% of them were for the worse. for example, my pay remained a constant this entire year. and in another example, my job satisfaction level went from low to negative.

i handed in my letter again but they made a strategic and surprising move - they sent me on a job interview. and then it made me feel so bad, i retracted my letter. how am i going to react when your superior throws you a job and tells you, "i only want the best for you." yea right.

no one is indispensable to the company, save for the boss himself mainly cos he issues the payroll. hence, i am not indispensable. im FAR from being so, given the fact that my teammate can do what i can do. and maybe even do it better.

but it dawned upon me that they are keeping me because i cost them little to hire. and the cruelest fact is that i might just be the one earning the least salary in the entire office minus the cleaning lady.

i wonder why (the fuck!) am i wasting time there, squirming around in a job that isnt what i wanted to grow up and become. this has strayed too far off for me to call it a career, not like i wanted it as a career at all. and it's not even going anyway at all, much less upwards. im fixed on a spot where i cant even turn about.

even the new guy is way above me. salary and responsibilities wise. what does that make of me? im a senior who is a junior at the same time. go figure!

i dont mean to sound egocentric here, im sorry, since everything about this entry is me myself and i. do i have consider the jobs of others? their qualifications? the efforts they put in their work, their job, their accounts? their roles and responsibilities? their expertise and experience?

well screw that. lowly lifeforms dont consider so much. fuck you too if you're gonna give me a big lecture about workload, degree holder vs diploma holder and all that shit. try beind the lowest lifeform, then let me talk to you about this. see how that feels, bitch.

and since we're on that topic, fuck the letter. i'll make them sack me.

just so that i wont EVER go back there again.

for starters, i'll try reaching the office 12noon daily. let's see how far that brings me.

ps: im feeling unsatisfied, unmotivated, demoralised, disappointed and, most of all, cheap.