0241. i pity my parents for having children like may and i. and it makes me wonder if they secretly weep on their pillows at night, knowing that the both of us didnt turn out to be what they had expected us to be...
that both of us are lightyears away from being children they can be proud of.
so much that i tell myself: i can never raise a kid because i didnt grew up properly myself.
i wont blame my dad or my mom for their parenting. who am i to judge? from any point of argument, they were excellent parents compared to some of my friends'. they loved may and i, even though they may not appear to show it explicitly, and most important, they dedicated the prime of their lives (and in fact, the REST of their lives up till this moment) to the both of us.
hence, a shelthered life my sister and i lived. a shelthered life away from the storms, away from the sunburns. i can only find the fault on myself, not having enough courage to break off from my parent's bond and explore this world when i was at the age of expanding my visage of the real world.
at the very least, the army taught me certain things i couldnt learn from neither my parents nor school. but may? not so fortunate for her.
all her 22 years, she'd only been a tadpole in a well which she thinks is her universe. i dunno where i should even start all this self pitying. maybe i should begin with her!
anyway... i was rather disappointed when close friends turned judgemental and proclaimed that i will refrain from thoughts of killing myself because im now attached again; this time to a girl who is wonderful as hot chocolate on a rainy day. it just goes to show, beneath this happy go lucky mask that i wear everyday, there's still no one who understands who i really am inside... and how dim the light of hope has gradually become over the years as the responsibilities pile up on me. solely me because my sister is almost as good as gone.
yet i keep falling short of meeting the simplest of expectations: to be kind to my parents.
i have been anything but kind to them. and i wished i had the strength to apologise about having a son like me. perhaps i will do so when i finally summon enough to end my own miserable life.
to think that those whom i call friends assumed my reason to die is due to a lack of love... haiz.
4 comments:
dude... i feel like dying or killing meself at times... ya noe... its a human thingy.. tats why we have ppl who wants to join commandos and special forces.. or fight in iraq.. they are juz finding other excuses to cut their lifespan dude...
i doubt so. being patriotic does make them martyrs but definitely not suicidal cases. at the very least, they have a reason to continue their existence; to fight and to die for the country they love.
(frankly, many young american soldiers who die in iraq and afghan didnt see it coming, especially those post war occupation period types, so where's your point in your argument?)
anyway... i dont see a reason for you to kill yourself. your path is made for you, all brightly lit and shit.
me, on the other hand, aint so fortunate. i dont only have to struggle with my own life... upon my back are the lives of others whom im obligated to care for as well, especially the life of my good for nothing sister.
i know you have siblings too, bro, but none of them can be compared to my sister on all levels of uselessness.
sometimes, im really sick and tired of all these nonsense. i want to give up... but im not allowed to. urgh.
dude.. you can always sell... ahem i mean marry her off to some unsuspecting bugger... anyway, if the primary purpose of life is to survive, what happens after u have achieve that? even if some other people's life is perfect, or born with a silver spoon, u'll still find some of them with a destructive bent to their lives, i'm sure u have met a few of those kind... haiz.. anyway wad i really want to say is, cheer up dude! (even tho i noe its a lil useless to say that after all these years ;P)
thanks. much appreciated my dear friend. but dont you get any ideas. you'll never own any piece of my ass in this lifetime or the next 10.
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